Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
