Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
