Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
