Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
