Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
