please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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