tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
