White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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