sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
