Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
