I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
