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if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
