i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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