Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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