we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
