I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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