It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
