I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
