I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
