The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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