No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
