I don't usually arrange sex via text message
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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