a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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