im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
