Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
