I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
