yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
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