After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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