drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
