I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
