You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
