I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Randomize
