My balls are so social today.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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