Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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