The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
