Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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