Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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