so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
