Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
