I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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