I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
