I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
