I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
