There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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