I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
