i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
