but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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