Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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