well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
