at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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